Friday, October 9, 2009

Thinking about the wanting

Did you ever want something so bad, but you just weren’t able to swing it? That’s how I feel about writing, this blog, sewing. Every time I write a post, I feel a little bit renewed. A little bit more like myself. I sit down in the evening and make a few stitches and I feel like I’m doing something. And then the days pass. The full-time-job-in-a-cube days pass. Then night comes with the stories to read, the food to eat, the dishes to do, the dog to walk, the tucking in and the tidying up…

I should take a lesson from my husband. We talked yesterday about how he’s accepted his job right now. To raise the kid. His music is on hold and he’s okay with that. He puts his two hands up, parallel, and says “I can see a trajectory,” then says “I’m probably using that word wrong.” But it’s a good word, a right word. It’s a shot in a direction. Like a flare. A message to the you that you hope to be when the crazy dies down, if the crazy dies down.

There are some times when you need to trust in the future. When you need to relax, and let what is, be, and quit fighting. It can’t be summer and winter at the same time. You can’t get sleep and write and sew and care for all at once. There is a season, turn, turn, turn.

I’m famous for stuffing a suitcase. It’s always seemed a philosophical question to me…when is a suitcase full? Can’t you always fit one more thing? I’m learning the answer. It’s full when you can’t shut it. And then you have to pull something out, do without it for a while. And maybe you won’t have everything that you want, but you’ll have everything that you need, and you’ll be lucky for the having.


Quilt Architect said...

"There are some times when you need to trust in the future. When you need to relax, and let what is, be, and quit fighting."

When I am trying to get my head wrapped around this kind of thinking, I remind myself to accept what is right now. I remind myself to let go of expectations.

I like what it says in the Art of War..."When you don't know what to do the best course of action is to do nothing."

So sometimes when I am anxious about something, I remind my self that to do nothing but wait is doing something.

Right now I am enjoying listening to Theater of the Imagination with
Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She does a lot of healing through stories...and it is really making a lot of connections for me at this time.


Quilt Architect said...

I wonder how you are doing? Have you gotten some of the things that you wanted? Are you still moving in that direction? Did you decide that they weren't worth wanting and so you now want different things?

I find wanting very alluring...sometimes it keeps me in the future, rather than in the now.

How are you 'today'? I am hoping you are enjoying your beautiful little girl!! I loved seeing her photographs. This is such an age where they teach us so much about wanting and letting go. As they are always in the now.

julia moore said...

Oh, your post touched my heart. Your story is that of so many young families trying to live in this day and age. I want you to do one small creative thing everyday, just for yourself, and record it, and watch it grow. Be consistent about this, don't ever give up on your creative dreams.
I think it was Alice Walker who wrote a dedication for one of her books thanking her many children for enriching her life and inspiring her to create. Something about writing at the kitchen table with them wrapped around her ankles. So look for these kinds of women role models on days when you feel hope is waining. I did not come to my full creative life til I was in my 50's and I am so happy now. Of course I had moments when I looked back and regretted earlier choices that kept from my art for so long, but that gets me nowhere. I will be checking in from time to time to see how you are doing. I am rooting for you!

jude said...

as i look back ( far back) i realize that i just don't remember how i got through working for 30 years. but i did use my commuting time to sew, and in the end it helped me be where i am today. when you have no time you just unconsciously squeeze what you can in to the gaps to keep your creative mind alive. even if it is just dreaming.

Susan said...

Hi Kate,

This is from Neil Gaiman's New Year's Benediction. I thought of you, and wish it for you:

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

...I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return.

And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

Miss you - and sending you lots of love.